Better than chocolate
by ImprisonedByTechnology
Summary: Remus is alone and depressed. He feels his life is worth nothing, but he endures everything so he can meet and protect Harry. Then, when he thinks everything will go downhill for him, the Order happens and he meets Tonks.


This is written for:  
_If you dare Challenge_, prompt 778. Back in Black  
_Connect the characters Challenge_, Remus & Tonks  
_HeadCanon Boot Camp Challenge_: Tonks and Remus' slow and angsty romance started with chocolate, prompt 17. Heartbroken  
_Pairing Diversity Boot Camp Challenge_: Remus & Tonks, prompt 27. Never  
_Music Appreciation Challenge_: Misery loves company, by Emilie Autumn

* * *

Remus stares at his colleague, unnoticed by her or by anyone else. It has always been like that. Remus the ghost, the phantom. Sometimes he thinks he doesn't even exist. Maybe he's part of someone's dream, but who would dream of him? Who would dream of the shy werewolf, with no pack and no love in his life, getting boring job after boring job in the muggle world.

He remembers when everything was happiness around him. His thoughs drift back fifteen years, when he still had his father and his friends. When the thought of his mother was still fresh in his mind. Now he can barely remember her voice.

Remus brings to his mind James and Sirius' laughter after a particular prank to the unsuspecting Peter, who only stares at them with watery eyes. Seconds later Remus laughs too, seeing Padfoot and Prongs apologize to the small boy only to have him laugh at their worried expressions. He recalls the feeling of liberty they used to get when running in the forest during the Full Moon. They even made his transformations hurt less.

Now, everything hurts. He feels his bones ache not only the night of his transformation, but also when he walks and even when he spends too much time sitting in the same place. His head hurts him every night with migraines caused by the neural damage of every transformation. But what is worse is the way his own mind terrorizes him with nightmares of his lost friends.

Above everything, what _kills _him is his loneliness.

* * *

Everything changes with a letter from Hogwarts. He never imagined going back there, but he will be. This time as a teacher. He looks back into the past, to a time when he never imagined being a teacher; when he laugher at the poor souls of the Hogwarts professors for having to put up with students like he and his friends were. Now it's his turn to do so.

His change is not perceived by him, but his landlord notices. Suddenly, Remus is happier and smiles more. How could he not? When summer ends, he'll be back at Hogwarts! He'll get to see Harry! Not even Sirius' escape from Azkaban diminishes his good mood. (Besides, there is a part of him that doesn't think Sirius did it).

He goes to Diagon Alley one day and buys everything he needs. Everything new, for the new professor. He talks to the Magical Menagerie's owner, requesting some of the more difficult to provide creatures. Some of those, he has to find himself in the woods near his apartment. But even if he suddenly has to work more than the past twelve years, Remus finds himself restless. He knows his life is about to change.

Remus doesn't think twice and accepts Albus' offer to ride in the Express. It makes him feel like a small first year again, but with less nerves and more excitement. A smile comes to his lips, lighting his eyes too. He will see Harry! He doesn't know why Dumbledore wouldn't let him near his best friends' son, but he doesn't care anymore. The only thing that matters is that he will finally get to know Harry.

Much to his surprise, he falls asleep waiting for the train to depart. He doesn't dream, and his mind welcomes the rest he can get. He never notices the train stopping, but he feels the cold, the fear, the longing for death... Dementors.

But he doesn't move or react, because he is shocked Harry is there with his friends. The lights go off, but his eyes are able to see him pretty well. He's just like James. Remus lets a tear go down his face.

_You left him alone, Remus, you're not my friend,_ say the depths of his mind in James' voice. He tries not to pay any attention to the voice, it only means the monsters are nearer.

One of the creatures reaches the compartment and Remus watches Harry fainting. He sees the vile creature about to kiss the boy, the son of his best friends, and he reacts with his happiest memory. The specter recedes at the silver mist, and he wakes Harry up. The rest of the kids are shivering, and Remus gives them a piece of chocolate.

He gets out of the compartment to ensure everything is okay now, and takes a bite out of the chocolate bar for himself. Immediately, the warm sensation spreads through his whole body and mind. There is nothing that can make him feel the same, but he hates to need it. He should be strong enough to endure any situation.

* * *

The happiness vanishes as the year progresses. Is Sirius really trying to kill Harry? Remus won't permit it, but he wonders if he'd be able to do what it takes to protect his cub. Maybe he'll freeze and be unable to stop his mad friend. Or maybe he'll be killed, like Peter was.

He thinks he attracted this situation with his thoughts. Why else would Sirius be here, attacking Harry? But then he sees Wormtail (how could he miss that?) and his heart is relieved. Sirius wasn't the traitor. The moonlight shines through the Shack's windows, but Remus thinks nothing of it. He has his friend back!

He should have known happiness wouldn't last. Between almost biting Harry and the rat's escape, Remus feels powerless. Sirius is not a free man, but at least he is safe and away from Fudge. It's all his fault. Had he taken his potion, nothing would have happened and they would be a family (tattered and with some parts missing).

Nothing gets better the next morning. He hears when Severus tells Janice Grant, the most gossipy girl in the Slytherin House, how he lost control last night. Five minutes later the whole school knows about his lycanthropy. With a heavy heart and a guilty mind, he goes to Dumbledore and quits. He crosses Hogwarts with a strong face, enduring the student's stares. He's okay.

Until he reaches his office and Harry comes, wondering if everything is true, if he's really leaving. Remus tells him the truth, but once Harry's out of reach, he breaks down and cries. He lost his family, his pack, again. He dries his tears, thinking he now has the permission to talk to Harry and vows to do it.

With a weary heart, and not so lonely as when he came in, Remus leaves Hogwarts for the second time in his life.

* * *

Before 1994 ends, Sirius is at his door. Remus' happiness returns, and his worry about Harry and the damned tournament vanishes for a while. Sirius asks him to live with him at his old house, in the middle of London.

"Unless you don't want to, of course" says Sirius with shyness. Remus never understood how someone so great as Sirius had such a low self-esteem. _You can't talk about self-esteem_, he hears his mind say.

"A day of cleaning and a cup of warm chocolate awaits us" he tells Sirius, and is amazed at how his eyes light up in happiness and relief. _We're the same_, he realizes.

The House is dirty and somber and he thinks a day won't be enough to clean it, but he doesn't care. He and Sirius, the last real Marauders, are together and plotting how to help Harry. That makes him happy. But only for a few months, until Harry sees Voldemort return and they get called by Dumbledore.

The Headmaster doesn't wait long before sending Remus to the werewolf packs to try to get their support. Dumbledore doesn't know the packs hate him more than anyone else, and Remus doesn't tell him. He'll get the help of the werewolves not with the Headmaster's name, but with the hope and the promise of peace.

He gets weekly letters from Sirius for a month and is shocked to know Harry is alone. Bitterness makes him realize Dumbledore is making him a pariah by not letting even Harry's best friends write to the boy. Just like he did with Remus, when he didn't have the Marauders.

A few days later, Sirius sends a letter urging him to return. He does so immediately and arrives just in time to tag along the Order in their retrieval of Harry.

"Dumbledore won't let me go" Sirius tells him gravely. "but he didn't say a thing about you, my friend"

Remus only nods and summons his broom from his room, feeling glad he had left it there.

* * *

Soon, Harry is once again where he can watch him and protect him. He smiles when Harry starts asking questions and challenging Molly and other members of the Order. He remembers Lily doing the same with them when she found out about Dumbledore's secret study group in sixth year.

"We should let him fight" says Sirius to him when everyone else is gone and only they remain. He agrees with his friend. They were almost the same age when the last war started, and he still remembers the feeling of doing nothing when he knew he could.

He sips a bit of his chocolate, when he hears Mrs. Black screams.

"It must be Tonks" says Sirius before going to verify everything's okay. He comes back with the young auror, who has a bottle of muggle vodka in her hands.

"I figure you need this" she tells them, and Sirius promptly summons three glasses and opens the bottle. He offers some to Remus, but he says shakes his head.

"Come on" says Tonks. "You're telling me you don't need some alcohol after what happened tonight?"

Remus smiles condescendingly at her.

"Nothing makes me feel better than chocolate" he tells her. "Not even alcohol"

"Boo" she says and Sirius chuckles. He starts telling the young woman about the only time the Marauder's got Remus to drink alcohol. Remus can't help but blush along with Tonks' laughter.

"...and then McGonagall found the four of us in the floor of her classroom, naked, with Sir Cadogan's outraged portrait screaming offensively at us" ends Sirius with pride as Tonks laughs and her hair changes to a dark brown color, which he guesses it's the one she was born with.

Remus looks at her, noticing for the first time how beautiful she is, but he soon vanishes those thoughts from his mind. _Don't even think about it,_ his mind tells him, _she's young and beautiful and you're old and dangerous_.

He finishes his cup of chocolate soon and tries to go to bed, but the young woman (whose hair is pink, once again) and Sirius stop him.

"We need fun in our life, Moony" Sirius says with eyes full of melancholy, and Remus agrees to stay.

He expects to get bored soon, as the girl proceeds to talk about herself and her work at the Ministry, but he doesn't. In fact, he gets interested in everything she says and memorizes random details about her life. He'll have to remember she's allergic to cinnamon, and that she loves ACDC. Remus laughs at her interpretation of Back In Black, as she imitates perfectly Brian Johnson's voice.

They talk for a couple of hours, before Tonks finally believes it's time to go home.

Once Remus is comfortably on his bed, he continues thinking about his friend's cousin. Tonks' laughter was warm and made him want to laugh, too. It had been a long time since he felt like that. He chuckles a bit, remembering how Tonks pouted when she noticed her hair had turned to brown. Maybe it's because of his obsession with chocolate, but he can't help thinking her hair is the same color as his favorite brand of chocolate.

Without intending to, Remus keeps thinking about her singing Shook me all night long and wonders if she'll go out on a date with him.

_Even if she does, you'll never be enough for her,_ tells him his mind. _You're a poor, old, dangerous beast, and she deserves better than you._

Remus gets mad at himself for remembering his condition. Any thoughts about Tonks are soon gone from his mind. He bites his lip and frowns in anger.

_You deserve your loneliness,_ he thinks before falling asleep.

She's there again the next morning and he does everything he can to avoid here. Depressive thoughts dominate his mind again. How can he feel heartbroken, if he only met her yesterday?

* * *

He's there! Already fully awake and reading the Daily Prophet. Tonks wastes no time and goes to say _Hi_. Shock goes through her mind as she tries once and again to capture his attention, but he stays focused on the newspaper.

She doesn't notice her hair turning red in anger, but everyone else in the room does.

Tonks tries again, and again, and again, but Remus ignores her. She thinks that maybe last night he laughed because of the vodka, but he didn't drink alcohol. Only warm chocolate.

The girl smiles and goes to the kitchen. She hurries to prepare a cup of the warm beverage and does so without bumping into anything. She's never been this precise on her movements before.

Quickly, she returns to Remus' side. She places the cup of chocolate besides him and sits in at the other side of the long table.

Tonks smiles, noticing when Remus discreetly takes a sip out of the cup without lowering the newspaper. He might ignore her, but she would never give up on the shy werewolf who makes her feel alive.


End file.
